Promise you won’t put mom in a nursing home

Having the Tough Conversations

Dad’s last words to his daughters were, “Promise you won’t put mom in a nursing home.” “Of course, Dad. Never.” What else are you going to say in that situation?

Fast forward six months.

The good news is that the children felt like they could keep good on that promise. Mom was definitely not in need of “nursing home” care. She and dad had been living independently in their own home. Mom is still very socially active and has all of her cognitive capabilities. But she did have some physical challenges that made it difficult for her to live alone safely now that dad was gone. Family friends have suggested that perhaps mom look for an assisted living community. An assisted living situation would free her from the responsibilities of home-ownership, provide her with social opportunities and just enough oversight that she could live safely, but still independently. Sounded like a perfect fit.

Because of their dad’s dying wish, the children refused to consider that as an option. In their minds, they equated any assisted living community with a “nursing home.” NOTE: They are NOT the same thing. The problem is that the family never took the time to have a realistic conversation about the future. They didn’t know about the many housing options available to seniors and how the negative connotation around the words “nursing home” doesn’t have to apply.

When we make that promise what we don’t realize is that caring for someone at home may harm the person needing care, the caregiver, or the caregiver’s family. We are aware of two situations where the caregiver was seriously injured and even killed when their loved one fell on top of them. We all want to think we are the best suited to take care of our own family, but that isn’t always the case… not to mention how easily relationships between parent and child, and child and siblings, can be strained.

All dad wanted was for mom to be happy and healthy. If his daughters could have that conversation with him today, that is what he would tell them. That was his true intention. The family needs to move forward with that knowledge and work together to find the best fit for mom to lead a long, happy, healthy life and maintain a close relationship with her daughters.

We know it’s not so easy to have these important conversations. No one wants to have the conversation when things are going well; it is too hard to have the conversation when there is a crisis; and it is certainly too late to have it in someone’s last moments. We recommend having the conversation early, while everyone is still healthy.

TIPS:

How can you start the conversation with your children?

• Most people say that they do NOT want to be a burden to their children, yet they don’t talk to their children about their wishes and aren’t realistic about the future.
• As a parent, give your children the gift of being proactive and talking to them about your preferences.
• Let them know your fears, wishes, and rules.
• Make sure all of your children know your wishes and don’t expect one child to be the messenger.
• Make sure your wishes are reasonable – you may not be able to be in your two story, no bathroom on the first floor, home forever.
• Be open to learning about different communities.
• Remember what it was like to try to take care of them when you just wanted them to be safe and well-cared for. That is all they want for you, to be happy and healthy.
• Bring up this blog and say “Let’s get this all figured out before anything comes up.”
• Bring your child(ren) to meet at our office for this discussion.

How can you start the conversation with your parents?

• Use us as an excuse. “I was meeting with my financial advisor and they were asking me where I wanted to live when I could no longer live in my home.”
• Ask about other friends and family members who are moving and ask what appeals or does not appeal to them about that type of situation.
• If someone they know has a change in health, ask what they would want to do in that situation. That will give you context when the time comes to say, “Remember when we talked about this before.”
• Don’t guess or make assumptions about your parents’ preferences. Ask open-ended questions that get them to express their perceptions.
• Bring up this blog and say “Let’s get this all figured out before anything comes up.”
• Bring your parents to meet at our office for this discussion.

TOOLS:

ElderCare has a Senior Living Conversation Guide that could be very helpful to you. It includes a checklist of statements to use as starting points for a family conversation.

aPlaceforMom also has a terrific Guide to Having Tough Conversations With Your Loved Ones.

FACT:

According to the Volunteers of America, more than half of the 45- to 65-year-olds surveyed haven’t talked to their family about their care as they age, discussed aging with their doctor, or drafted a power of attorney or will.

We hope you will try to better these odds. Remember, although this can be a difficult and uncomfortable discussion, it truly will be a gift to your family.

-Andrea

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